Sonny said to Dad, “Dad, what is creeping inflation?” His father said, “Creeping inflation is when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.” Are there such families? They always complain about women’s spending. I don’t know, is it true? (Yes.) (It’s true.) (Sometimes.)
A plane is about to take off. An airline hostess announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, because the plane is to take off in a minute.” Half an hour after taking off, the hostess announces again, “Ladies and gentlemen, please tighten your seatbelts a little more. I’m very sorry to inform you that we have forgotten to load the breakfast on board.”
And another stewardess [said], “Now let us exemplify for you how to use the safety belt. Insert the metal button and then fasten the belt tightly. If you still do not know how to use it, you are advised not to go out without the company of a supervisor.”
“When the passenger cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks will fall automatically. Don’t cry. Pull it down and cover your nose and mouth with it. If you have a child, please help him or her after you have put on the mask yourself. If you have more than one child, please decide now which one you love more.”
Another airplane, you know, blah, blah, blah, and then: “If the plane has to land on the water’s surface, please don’t inflate [the life vest] before leaving the plane. If time allows, you can take some food offered by our company by the way, for you can use it to drive away sharks.” (Oh, my God!) Oh my God! Don’t remember this when you fly back.
“Hallo, everyone…” It’s another version. “Hallo, everyone, this is the captain. Welcome to this flight from Songshan to Kaohsiung Airport. Now I have a small requirement. A plane from another air company will pass us on our right. Will you please fill the vacant seats by the right windows so that they will think we are not affected by the economic depression? Thank you for your cooperation.”
A mother said to the kid, “Every time you are naughty, I get another gray hair.”
So the son said, “Oh, Mom, you must have been a terror when you were young. Just look at Grandma’s hair.”
A photographer to a young man: “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.” Father said, “It would be much more natural if he had his hand in my pocket.”
A lady with a kid in her arms got on the bus… Oh, I got this already before. Oh, I don’t think so. It’s no good. We get another one.
The Canadian Space Navigation Department began to send astronauts into space, but soon they learned that ballpoint pens could not be used at all by the astronauts in the state of weight loss. You know, the ballpoint pen would go up, and the ink doesn’t run down, so they cannot write with it. So it took them 10 years and 12 billion US dollars for the scientists to invent a new ballpoint pen, which can be used in such a state of weightlessness, [in an] upside-down position, or being in water, any plane surface, and at 300 C below zero, while the Russians have been using pencils in space all this time. Yes, some inventions are just useless.
Two Cub Scouts, whose younger brother had fallen into a shallow pond, rushed home to mother with tears in their eyes. “Mom, we were trying to give him artificial respiration,” one of them sobbed, “but he kept getting up and walking away.”
A woman came to the hospital in a hurry. “Doctor, look at me! I was frightened when I looked at myself in the mirror. After I got up, my hair all stood up straight, my face was covered with wrinkles and looked so pale, and my eyes were red; I looked like a dead person. What’s wrong with me?” So, after a careful examination, the doctor said, “Well, I am very sure to tell you that your eyesight has no problem at all.” OK, you laugh later.
A mother said to her kid, “Lisa, you shouldn’t always keep everything for yourself. I have told you before that you should let your little brother play with your toys half of the time.” So, Lisa said, “Yeah, I’ve been doing that, Mom. I take the bike going downhill, and he takes it uphill.”
A mother again. “Were you a good boy in school today? Did you make any trouble? Did you run around, trumpeting around, shouting about like usual?” Johnny said, “No, no, I haven’t done anything like that today.” “Wow, you’re a good boy. How come?” “The teacher made me face the wall all morning.”
We got that yesterday covered. Yeah, OK.
An angry father shouted from the top of the stairs to a kid, “Young man, I didn’t hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in.” “You did, you did, sir. It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn’t disturb you.” The father muttered, “Oh my God, why didn’t I think of that in my courting days?” This answer.
OK. They talk about the Irish and Scottish here. That must be a British joke. But don’t believe it, OK? It’s just a joke. An Irishman called the travel agency, “How long does it take for me to fly to London?” So, the clerk wanted to have a look at the timetable, so he said to him, “One minute, sir, please. One minute.” So, the Irishman said, “Thank you very much,” and he cut off the phone.
A Scottish man came back home from England. His family asked, “How is London?” So the Scottish man replied, “Not bad, not bad, but the English are very strange. When I was at the hotel, my neighbor knocked on the wall the whole night.” “What were you doing then?” “Nothing. I was just playing the drums for the whole night.”
OK, another one. An Irishman went to London on holiday, and he stayed at a first-class hotel. A porter picked up the luggage and led him to his room. The Irishman complained angrily, “Look, don’t think I am from Ireland and you can let me live in such a small room.” The porter explained right away, “No, no, don’t be angry, sir. This is an elevator.”
A customer shouted angrily, “Waiter, I can’t tell whether this is coffee or tea. It tastes like gasoline.” So, the waiter said, “If it tastes like gasoline, then positively it’s coffee.” “Because…” the waiter continued, “…our tea tastes like turpentine.”
At a party, Johnny was a little bit drunk and began to flirt with a sexy woman. At that moment, his wife came over and said to him, “Don’t forget to remind me to apply some medicine on your swollen eyes when you are back home.” Johnny was puzzled, “But my eyes are not swelling.” The wife said, “We are not home yet.”
Are we too loud? We’re OK? Can we hear anything outside? We’re OK, huh?
Friday was payday, so Johnny did not go home after work. He used up his wage to enjoy himself with friends during the whole weekend. On Sunday evening, he came back home where his outrageous wife was waiting for him. His wife scolded him continuously for an hour for what he did. In the end, she stopped bugging, asking him, “How would you feel if you cannot see me for three successive days?” Johnny said, “I’d feel pretty good.” Monday passed by. He could not see his wife at all. Tuesday and Wednesday passed by. He still could not see her. It was Thursday, the swelling went down a little, so he could see his wife from the corner of his left eye. Understand?
The manager of a restaurant called his waitresses together and said, “Ladies, today I want you all to look your best. Greet every customer with a smile and kind words.” So, one of the waitresses asked, “What’s up? Some big shots are coming today?” So, the manager said, “No, no, the food is a little bit lousy today.”
Photo Caption: “We Love the Sky We Praise The MOST HIGH”
