A secondary school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he had not done or not. “No,” said the teacher, “Of course not. Why should you be punished for something you haven’t done? You didn’t do it. Right?” So, the boy said, “Good. I haven’t done my homework.” (Excellent.)
A husband was escorting his wife to a concert, and they arrived late. So… Oh, we already did this yesterday. Now what? This is a little different. So, he asked his neighbor, whispering, “What are they playing?” So the man replied, “The Fifth Symphony.” “Well, thank goodness. I missed only four of them.” “Ha-ha-ha.” What is the Fifth Symphony anyway? (It’s just a name.) It’s just a name. OK, good. The name of that section of the music.
After a student delivered the pizza to Johnny’s house, he asked, “What is the usual tip?” You know, for the pizza boy. So, the boy said, “Well, this is my first trip here. But the other bloke said that if I got 5p out of you, I will be doing great already.” Meaning, he’s a miser. He just said that to provoke him. (He’s cheap.) Cheap. “Is that so?” Johnny was kind of irritated, “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s $5.” The young boy said, “Thanks. I’ll put this toward my studies.” “Wow, what are you studying?” Johnny asked the pizza boy. He smiled and said, “Applied Psychology.” Yeah, yeah.
A teacher is handing back the homework to the students. So, she says, “Johnny, your homework is very, very poor. I really don’t see how one person can make so many mistakes.” So, Johnny says, “It wasn’t one person, Miss.” Says Johnny, “My Dad helped me.” You know everything. It happened to you guys? You are the Daddy’s that make the same trouble? “It wasn’t one person.”
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry. “Don’t be scared, honey,” her husband comforted her, “we are not hurt.” So, the wife continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she responded between tears. “I’m happy, because this is the first time in 14 years we have been out together.” He never took her out.
I told you yesterday, men are lousy. You have to make some crispy, new, new stuff all the time. Some romantic stuff, like a surprise, a pleasant surprise, something like that. It doesn’t have to be money or a gift. Just a loving surprise. Keep the relationship going. Maybe you didn’t do it last time, that’s what’s… Are you doing it now, better? You learned the lesson? Never mind. Marriage, I don’t know if… I don’t know how it lasts, really, a marriage. Does it really last? It’s good, you and…? (We stayed because we love You.) Because of me? (Yes, because we love You.) Oh, why? What have I got to do with it? (Well because we love You so much, that’s why.) Don’t care anymore. (We don’t care anymore.) You don’t care who you live with. (Yes.) I understand. Thank you so much. I know you both love me very much. I don’t know why, but they do. They all do.
(I’m lucky, the other day I thought [about] it. I got trouble on the street because he loves You so much. He drove on the street, Master. He cried so much, he hit a bump, and I thought the car will roll.) Oh, my God. Why was he crying? (Because he...) Speak Aulacese (Vietnamese). (…he’s so sad.) He’s so sad he cannot come. Oh, you told me yesterday. Sad and crying and bumped the car into the tree? That’s dangerous, man. Tell him never mind, next time he can come. You take turns. OK? I will give him a chance. We all have a chance. Don’t worry about it. Here, he cried so much, he lost some water. There, give it to him.
Well, that guy, he’s a very simple boy. I love him very much. He was very macho and tough. If any boss fires him, he’d go and wait for him in the corner of the street. He used to. He used to, but not anymore. No more. He’s very sweet now. Because he couldn’t come to the retreat with her, that’s why. That’s why he cried so much, and he forgot how to drive. (Now the karma comes back, Master.) What? (Because he got so many jobs, the boss kept nagging him, and he had to run away because he practiced the Quan Yin Method,) Oh, yeah? (so he said he has to go. Otherwise, he will do it again.) OK, otherwise he’ll go on the street and wait for him again. OK. You know what I mean, right? Wait on the corner of the street, in the dark. Now he has to run away instead of letting the boss sack him, so he doesn’t go on the corner of the street.
“Johnny, did your mother help you with the homework last night?” The teacher asked. Johnny said, “No, she did it all by herself.”
They’re so happy. The professor’s wife is so happy. She must be very happy. It can’t be so bad to marry an absent-minded person. He forgives you all the time. (She’s happy because I helped her do home loans once.) Yeah? What for? (He earns money, I spend. That’s why I’m happy.) Oh, wow. This is a good example of a successful man and a successful woman. Wow. Cannot be too bad. Do you have any more brothers or sisters, a brother?
Why do bird(-people) fly south? Anybody knows? No? (I know.) Because bird(-people) don’t walk. She knows. She said because it’s too cold in the north. Thank you very much. We never knew. We never knew that it’s cold in the north. Is it really cold in the north? They fly there because it’s too hard to walk. Bird(-people) don’t walk, not for a long time.
Why do hen(-people) lay eggs? The wise one, don’t hide. Tell me. Why do they lay eggs? (They don’t like to walk with it.) (If they drop them, they break.) You know the story. You are the one who sent this joke, maybe. Hey, they cheat. They are cheating. (I don’t know it, Master.) No, no, no. OK, it’s true. It says exactly like that. “If they drop them, they break.” So she must have copied it.
“Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?” A friend asked. The husband said, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.” She doesn’t have much to say, but she can talk for two hours.
A customer said, “I can’t eat this food, call the manager!” The waiter said, “It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.” Yesterday, we had it already.
A manager to an interviewee for a new job: “For this job, we need someone who is responsible.” Interviewee to manager: “I’m your man then. In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, I was responsible.” “Ha-ha-ha-ha.”
A wife said to her husband, “Scientists claim that the average person speaks 10,000 words a day.” Whoa! Who can that be? Must be Supreme Master Ching Hai. I can speak more than that. Ten thousand words? That’s nothing. They should have known me. Right? The scientist doesn’t know who. So the husband said, “Yes, dear, but remember, you are far above average.”
A policeman in a lay-by is amazed when a car whizzes past at 70 miles per hour with a woman calmly knitting at the wheel. She was knitting a pullover and driving at the same time. So he gives chase and on catching up, he shouts, “Pull over!” So the woman shouts back, “No, a pair of socks!” You don’t understand? Pullover, you know, a pullover? (Yes.) A pullover, (A sweater.) you don’t understand what it is, a sweater? (Oh, a sweater, yes.) You’re not English? (American.) Where are you? You’re in England? (No, America.) America? You don’t understand what a “pullover” is? (A sweatshirt.) It’s a sweater. And when the police want you to stop, he says, “Pull over.” So she was knitting, the driver, and he said, “Pull over!” And she said, “No, a pair of socks.”
My God. Does she always bring the house down like that at home? (Yes.) Yeah? What a lucky woman. So happy. Well, if I spent somebody else’s money, I would also be happy. Especially when he’s so absent-minded, he never remembers how much you spend. (I don’t even remember the account number, she does.) Yeah? That’s because she spends all the time. That’s the secret of a happy marriage. You guys, mark it, OK? Very well. Don’t tell me you didn’t know how. You ask both of them. One is forgetting, and one is always spending.
Whenever my wife needs money, she calls me handsome. She said, “Hand some over.” Hand some over. So handsome.
Photo Caption: “The Great Artist Can Create an Extraordinary Piece from Any Ordinary One! (Like the Wild Mushroom Here!)”
